Query by : What do you assume of the very first chapter of my story?
Okok so a whilst in the past I had an thought for a story.. And I dont wanna spoil it so Im just gonna duplicate-paste my chapter one.
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My Element
Chapter 1 – The Loss of life of Naomi Hope Suzuki
I opened the doorway and dropped my school bag lazily. “House at Last.” I advised myself. I grabbed a can of coke from the fridge and jumped onto the sofa. The mobile phone started out to ring . “Ah excellent,” I sighed, acquiring up to reply it. “Hey Nao! its Sofia, nevertheless comin’ to the sleepover celebration in the future?” “Yup whatever,” I mentioned, placing the phone down. “Hum. two hrs till the social gathering. I still acquired time,” I shrugged. … WHO AM I KIDDING!? If I am gonna be prettier than Sofia this time, I gotta get in the shower! I really do not even have my PJs picked out!
two Hours Later.. “Hello!” I shouted as Sofia answered the door. “Hey Nao!!” She explained excitedly more than the audio, “The other folks are already upstairs.” “Awww last once again?” I whined. “Yup, you should’ve been below 10 minutes in the past,” Sofia mentioned, “Either way! UPSTAIRS! Mom’s makin’ cookies.” “Omigosh! COOKIES?!” I explained, dashing up the stairs. “Well, that obtained her up there.” She shrugged, heading up. “Hey girls!” I shouted. “Yeah, hey Nao,” The ladies mentioned just before resuming their conversation, “So about that boy…What was he like?” “I said, HEY Women!!!!!” I shouted yet again making an attempt to get into the discussion. “Yeah we heard you the very first time.” “Good,” I explained, sitting down angrily with arms folded like a 5-12 months-outdated. “Hey I obtained COOKIES!” Sofia stated, coming in with a plate total of new cookies. Absolutely everyone rushed about to her and after again I missed out. Humph. “Missed again huh?” Sofia asked. “Yup,” I replied. “As well negative, probably ne–” “SHH” I said, interrupting her. “Huh?” She whispered. “Somebody is exterior your window!” I whispered back. ‘THUD!’ “Maybe a single of us need to go see?” One particular of the ladies proposed. “Yeah. Hey Nao, why do not you go investigate?” “Great,” I sighed, “It can be most likely absolutely nothing anyhow.” I even now wondered why it was me. I set on my jacket and grabbed a flashlight.
“Oh no! I assume someone’s coming!” I listened to any individual whisper as I walked round the home, “It can be almost certainly nothing! Now get back to operate!” I turned off the flashlight and began sneaking about, listening in on their conversation. I tripped and fell about a tree root. It made fairly a little bit of noise way too.
Worst part is they noticed it. “What was that?” 1 of them asked quietly. “I will not know, but I do not like it,” The other replied, in a bit of a worry. “Omigosh what do I do, what do I do??” I stored repeating to myself in my thoughts. I panicked as I received out my cell telephone. I held it up to my head. “Hey! Look more than there!” A single of the males shouted as the other obtained out their gun. Excellent. A gun. I freaked out. He snuck around quietly and carefully, keeping his gun shut. “You will find no way I’m likely to the chair!” He whispered quietly to himself. I was so terrified that I just froze. Now I couldn’t even Attempt to operate. He aimed meticulously and…
‘BANG!’ Everybody upstairs observed it. They stopped their pillow combat and went outdoors to check out as the men legged it. “Oh shit! She’s been shot!” Sofia said, “We are so lifeless.”
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What do you feel?
By the way, Im twelve and Im working on the plots for four other stories aswell ^.^
Oh yeah and this isnt a horror or something.. its a fantasy/action/comedy with a tiiiiiiiiiiny bit of romance. :three
So I have some queries.
1. Did you go through it all?
two. Would you like to go through more? [I have like 7 chapters published...working on the 8th...]
three. What do you think I could boost on?
four. What is your [totally sincere] impression of my story? [Dont be concerned to upset me or something just becuz Im young. I like criticism 
No. Seriously, I do.]
Thx4Reading. Bai.
@NekoBus
Never fear, you didn’t sound that rough alright, I will make the cookies a little bit less important XD anyhow, many thanks for the assistance :] I have currently acquired tons of factors prepared for little Nao
@ XD
Yay you study it all! XD And I have 6 other chapters I may article up listed here soo And Sofia’s a real b****. I produced her that way simply because its element of the story afterwards on… Naomi learns the true which means of friendship and learns that Sofia wasn’t a true friend. Men and women like Leiko and some other individuals you will meet up with afterwards on are accurate close friends. In any case, I will try using far more descriptive phrases and this kind of. And the characters you are going to understand far more about as it goes on. And do not be concerned, you didn’t sound indicate at all :] Many thanks for the tips.
@amplexus
Yeah the very first chapter or so is fairly tedious, but Im functioning on it. thanks for the guidance :]
Ok, I’ve editted the story and re-posted it in one more question.
http://answers.yahoo.com/query/index?qid=20110902092418AA3T7GL
Greatest response:
Response by Authormegmeg
You ought to sign up for the totally free internet site newbookwriters.webs.com its good for helping writers develop, i hope i assisted 
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